marriage

I found an interesting article on the '8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage'. And one of them is speaking directly to me today. I've always been of the mindset to never go to bed angry. I did that last night and I spent all morning feeling guilty about it. Until I read this:

3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).

Whoever decided to tell newlyweds "Never go to bed angry" doesn't know what it's like inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy stupor until night meets the dawn. If this scenario sounds familiar, I've got three words for you: Sleep on it.

You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I've found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to erupt over the overflowing garbage can is really about feeling underappreciated. Could be you're both stressed out at work and just needed to unload on someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a perfectly good argument can turn into an endless round of silly back-and-forth, rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as you get more and more wound up.

Even when you do manage to stay focused and on topic, there are some fights that stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you stifle your real feelings just to meet some arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be the worse for it. "This was a huge lesson for me," says Andrea. "As women we've been trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-make-up thing just to keep the peace was eating me up inside. I'd let things build up inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that means reopening the fight the next day."

After reading it I realize how very true it is. While I felt guilty about letting myself be upset as I fell asleep, this morning I saw the events of last night in a completely different light. Sometimes giving time to let the emotions subside is a good idea.

Honestly, that article has some very sound advice. You kind of figure that after being with someone for 7 years you know everything there is to know. Nope, you can always learn more and giving your relationship the attention it deserves is pretty powerful.

Yep, marriage is work. I'm not going to lie and say it's all puppies and rainbows. But there is a sense of accomplishment when you address a problem and get past it, together. With each and every issue that we get past, I can feel our relationship get stronger and that's what matters to me most.