I've said it before.

"A goal without a plan is just a wish."

Changes are coming.  While I'm on this break I am committed to getting healthier.  Irene kind of sabotaged that this past weekend.  David and I bought all sorts of comforting food as I'm sure most people did and I'm now regretting it.  I even made cookies.  And don't forget all that canolli cake I made for David for his birthday.  16 servings!  Stupid.  And who am I kidding, it's not the hurricane's fault.  That's just an excuse.  But it doesn't matter.  That's in the past and I can only move forward.

A few weeks ago I ordered Zumba DVDs.  Yep, here I go trying yet another form of exercise in the hopes that it sticks.  I have confidence this time, though.  I love to dance, although no one would know that unless I've been drinking (because I get embarrassed very easily).  Dancing will hopefully feel less like exercise and more like fun.  I'm really looking forward to trying it out tonight for the first time.  I know it will kick my ass and I can already feel my abs screaming in pain as I get out of bed tomorrow morning.  I'm looking forward to it!

The other reason why I'm confident that this will stick (and this is huge) is because I'm finally recognizing that it's harder for me to adopt better habits then lets say my husband, because I've opened my eyes and realized that I'm an emotional eater.  This may explain why I'm ok with WW and exercising to a certain point and then it all falls apart.  I've identified two books that will hopefully help retrain my brain to not equate food with happiness.

                  

I know it's a long road but I'm actually excited to start down this path. Just by recognizing that I have a bigger problem has lifted this huge weight off my shoulders.  Now, to take care of the physical weight!

Starry Night

This is one of my favorite musicians. This song is one that I have loved but recently the lyrics have really hit home. Have a listen. He's amazing.

Well I remember back when I was young
And king of all my days
How I never used to worry about a thing
But time it turns the page
Cause now my head is set to spin
And my worries start where my worries end  

And everyone’s making me promises that burn like city lights
But I’d trade every single one of them for a starry night
Where my mind don’t race like a spoiled child
And I feel the warm wind blow
Rolling down some dark highway
Far far away from this big show.  

Well living everyday in this strange parade it gets under my skin
It’s always things you think you want the most that tend to cage you in
Until you make the same mistakes time and time again.   

And everyone’s making me promises that burn like city lights
But I’d trade every single one of them for a starry night
Where my mind don’t race like a spoiled child
And I feel the warm wind blow
Rolling down some dark highway
Far far away from this big show

strike 3

It's time to take a break.  What we have been doing clearly isn't working.  I can't take anymore bloodwork, ultrasounds, injections, pills, waiting and other nasty things I don't want to mention.  The worst part, I can't take the crushing blows to my heart anymore. I don't like the person that infertility is turning me into.

So, we are going to take a break for a bit.  I'm not sure for how long but I'm listening to my body and my body is saying "STOP!!".

There's a fork in the road ahead.  David and I are not ready to choose which way to go just yet so we will be setting up camp where we are and just enjoying each others company before packing up and getting on that trail again.  It's time to focus on us a little.  I'm so exhausted from trying for a baby, I can't even put it into words.  I don't think there's a way to describe it if I tried.  It's just one of those things that you won't understand unless you've been through it.  Which I don't wish on anyone.  It's just a level of pain that is so deep in your core, I had no idea a person could feel this way.

But I'm trying to dust myself off and concentrate on what matters most to me and the blessings that I already have in this world and maybe try to get myself a little healthier (mentally and physically) before our next step.

dreams

I've been having some very interestingly bizarre dreams lately. Last night was a particularly odd one that I couldn't even begin to describe coherently if I tried. I do vividly remember a skunk and a lion, though. (Told you it was odd.)

So, after seeing someone on FB post their interpretation of their dream from last night, I decided to look up what my animals might mean.

To see a lion in your dream, symbolizes great strength, courage, aggression and power. You will overcome some of your emotional difficulties.

To see a skunk in your dream, suggests that you are driving people away or turning them off. Alternatively, the dream indicates that your suppressed anger is on the verge of exploding. You are not expressing your true feelings even though you do not agree with a decision.



Very interesting.

I hate cancer.

I spent the weekend in PA with my mom to help take care of my grandmother who is back in the hospital.  The good news is that it looks like the cancer is gone.  But it's definitely taken its toll on my grandmother.  She is very frail.  He muscles have atrophied because she has only been getting up in minimal amounts.  She has bed sores.  Bad bed sores.

I added a little bit of happy to her container of grapes.

She can't keep her sodium level up and between that and the chemo her memory is sometimes shot.  My mom and I spent the majority of Sunday morning explaining to her over and over again why we still have hair and she doesn't.  We told her she had chemo and she almost broke down and said "why don't I remember that?" It's heart wrenching.

I soaked in those smiles, even though they were few and far between.  This smile came after my mom and I gave her a full body massage, including her head.  She LOVED it.  I'm so happy that I was able to give her a little joy.

My mom is trying to convince her to go to a rehab facility next so that she can get the physical therapy she needs to get back on her feet.  My mom knows that if she comes home she probably won't be the hard ass she needs to be to get her to do all the exercises.  But for some reason, my grandmother has it in her head that rehab = nursing home.  She keeps telling us that she doesn't want to go to the place with all the old people.  No matter how much we try to convince her she will always think that we are sending her to a nursing home.  So, we just have to get her there to show her that it's not.  Then the wonderful physical therapists can deal with the stubbornness!

Hey, my mom and I had to occupy ourselves somehow while my grandmother took naps! Don't judge.

Today is a critical day.  The doctor is coming in to evaluate her to find out what the next steps are.  I really hope he suggests rehab and that insurance sees it the same way, that it's something that she NEEDS.  Apparently they don't think she's immobile enough to require physical therapy.  I hate insurance companies as well.  So, fingers crossed that the Dr. makes notes that she requires physical therapy.

It was truly heartbreaking to see my grandmother this weekend. She's not the same person anymore.  She only jokes around minimally and that is not like her at all.  She's very depressed and even though they put her on anti-depressants she still says things like "I hate myself".  She has endured a lot in these past few months so it's understandable that she is depressed and pissed and upset.  But I wish she would trust us when we say it's going to get better.  She doesn't believe us or the doctors when we say that the cancer is gone.

Anyway, I just want her to get better from here on out.  I want her to be able to walk around by herself again.  I pray all the time that she has the strength to get through this and get herself better.  She used to be the most active person.  She was always outside gardening or cleaning something, always active.  Now she says that she just doesn't want to get out of bed, she wants to be lazy.

If you are the praying type, please send her some prayers for strength.  I know she can get through this and get better.  She's had many hardships in her life and she's overcome all of them.  I KNOW she can do this, she just needs a little help this time.