control

After finding out on Friday that another round of IVF didn't work for us I could feel myself slipping into a very dark hole.  I quickly remedied that with alcohol, not the best fix but a quick one that I desperately needed.  I'm thankful to my husband for running out and picking up some vanilla rum and Coke.  It was just what I needed to take the edge off.  Of course, the next morning I was hurting and most of the day just laid around and moaned from underneath a blanket but I'm not sure I would have acted any differently had I not been recovering from a hangover.

Sunday I woke up in a sort of panic.  I can't really explain it.  I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself and I wonder if it was withdrawals from the IVF process.  I had something to do every day for the past month and a half, whether it was to take pills, give myself injections or go to a doctors appointment.  After Friday that all ended.  Abruptly.  I had nothing left to do, I failed at getting pregnant yet again. So, I guess I shouldn't be shocked that I was sort of running around trying to figure out what to do with myself.  But it quickly turned from something as simple as that to a mindset of "I feel useless".

I know how fast I can get sucked into feeling sorry for myself, the poor infertile, and I vowed not to let it ruin my Sunday.  I can't control anything in regards to infertility so yesterday I wanted to concentrate on something I could control.

Gardening.

It was a beautiful day and I didn't want to spend it inside wallowing.  Fresh air and getting my hands dirty was just what I needed.  My poor garden has been neglected since last fall so I spent a while weeding and taking out plants that I just didn't care for anymore.  It's so bare now but that just means I can go have fun at the nursery and choose all new kinds of flowers to enjoy!

After a few hours I was feeling, what's that word...happy.  Happy that I accomplished something tangible. Happy that I was letting the sunlight hit my face.  Happy to just sit in the backyard and relax.  Relax? Happy?  Being able to feel those things is indescribable.

Once I finished up I asked David if he wanted to join me in the hot tub.  I love using that thing when the sun is still out.  It feels more like a pool that way.  We spent over an hour in there enjoying some libations and each others company and I was happy.  I kept telling David that "I can't remember the last time I was this happy."

I'm nursing a hangover again this morning but it's so worth it. I made it through the weekend with a smile on my face and that's an accomplishment I'm proud of.

IVF #2 by the numbers

a shuttle's last flight - aka: one of the coolest things I've ever seen

We, in the DC metro area, were lucky enough to witness something really amazing yesterday.  The space shuttle Discovery's last flight before retiring to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum.  The 747 chauffeured the shuttle all over the DC region, really low, so that everyone could get a good look.

I almost missed it entirely because I got stuck in horrendous traffic on the way to work.  It took me 2 and half hours to get in and I ran from the parking garage to the elevator to the roof with only my camera in hand. Within minutes it flew right in front of the building and everyone cheered.  About 15 minutes later it looped around again, this time showing us the other side.

I'm so happy that I was able see this. Not a bad way to start the day!

t-ball!

Days like today make me wonder how many photos I'm going to be taking of my own child someday. I took almost 400 photos at Dylan's first t-ball game this afternoon!

If you've never attended a t-ball game I highly suggest watching one especially if you are having a tough day.  We laughed non-stop.  Not that we laughed AT the kids, it was just entertaining to see them not know what to do after they hit the ball and all run for the ball and fight over it with their own teammates.  Just a fun afternoon that I desperately needed.  And Dylan seemed like a natural out there!

I love Spring