control

After finding out on Friday that another round of IVF didn't work for us I could feel myself slipping into a very dark hole.  I quickly remedied that with alcohol, not the best fix but a quick one that I desperately needed.  I'm thankful to my husband for running out and picking up some vanilla rum and Coke.  It was just what I needed to take the edge off.  Of course, the next morning I was hurting and most of the day just laid around and moaned from underneath a blanket but I'm not sure I would have acted any differently had I not been recovering from a hangover.

Sunday I woke up in a sort of panic.  I can't really explain it.  I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself and I wonder if it was withdrawals from the IVF process.  I had something to do every day for the past month and a half, whether it was to take pills, give myself injections or go to a doctors appointment.  After Friday that all ended.  Abruptly.  I had nothing left to do, I failed at getting pregnant yet again. So, I guess I shouldn't be shocked that I was sort of running around trying to figure out what to do with myself.  But it quickly turned from something as simple as that to a mindset of "I feel useless".

I know how fast I can get sucked into feeling sorry for myself, the poor infertile, and I vowed not to let it ruin my Sunday.  I can't control anything in regards to infertility so yesterday I wanted to concentrate on something I could control.

Gardening.

It was a beautiful day and I didn't want to spend it inside wallowing.  Fresh air and getting my hands dirty was just what I needed.  My poor garden has been neglected since last fall so I spent a while weeding and taking out plants that I just didn't care for anymore.  It's so bare now but that just means I can go have fun at the nursery and choose all new kinds of flowers to enjoy!

After a few hours I was feeling, what's that word...happy.  Happy that I accomplished something tangible. Happy that I was letting the sunlight hit my face.  Happy to just sit in the backyard and relax.  Relax? Happy?  Being able to feel those things is indescribable.

Once I finished up I asked David if he wanted to join me in the hot tub.  I love using that thing when the sun is still out.  It feels more like a pool that way.  We spent over an hour in there enjoying some libations and each others company and I was happy.  I kept telling David that "I can't remember the last time I was this happy."

I'm nursing a hangover again this morning but it's so worth it. I made it through the weekend with a smile on my face and that's an accomplishment I'm proud of.