¡warning! emotional wounds are still fresh

We waited for the elevator to take us to the 4th floor.  The surgery floor.  We boarded the elevator with a man pushing a stroller with twins.  It was a fantastic way to start an already hellish morning.

I checked in and was given a consent form to read over, but couldn't sign until a witness was there.  It explained all of the risks and complications that could occur.  I then sat in a waiting room with about 4 other women who looked just as terrified as I did.

Once I was taken back (David was NOT allowed to come with me which was surprising) I had to take a pregnancy test.  Fun stuff, right?  Like I need another test to prove I'm not pregnant.

but at least I got these awesome booties to wear!

I've already been told by friends and lovely google that this test is different for everyone.  Some women experience so much pain that they can't finish the test, or they pass out, or they vomit.  And some women feel slight cramping during the procedure and not much else afterwards. It runs the gamut.  I had no idea what to expect and I was incredibly intimidated once I entered the room where it would take place.

The PA was great.  She was very caring and told me not to worry, that she would let me know before she did anything so I would have a heads up.

She lied.

She got caught up talking to the nurse and trying to make small talk with me (I wonder if that actually calms anyone down, I know you don't care where I'm from and how long the drive took to get there) so much so that she forgot to tell me when she was putting the dye in.  So, there I sat just waiting for her to tell me when she was going to begin and bam, I was hit with intense cramps.  I let out a groan of pain and she said "Oh my god, I'm so sorry!  I forgot to tell you that I was starting!" 

Five minutes later it was over.  I'm pretty sure they are used to women being faint when the procedure is done because they asked me numerous times if I was ok.  When I sat up and let out a sigh of relief they came rushing to my side asking me if I was alright.  I'm pretty sure they thought I was going to pass out or something but it was just a sigh that I was happy it was over.  The PA went over the x-ray with me and I guess the good news is that there does seem to be something wrong.

That might sound a little backwards but it's a good thing (well I realize that now, anyway).  Turns out I could have fibroids and/or polyps.  The news kind of hit me like a truck to the face though because I've been so used to hearing "normal" that I was expecting to hear that this time as well.  I think the PA knew that I was holding back tears and she put her hand on my knee and told me that it looks worse than it actually is.  And she also reassured me that this could very well be why we aren't getting pregnant.  Yes it would take surgery to remove them but there's a good chance that this could solve our problems.

It didn't stop me from completely breaking down in the car, though.  Poor David had no idea what was going on because I hadn't told him anything by that point.  We rode down in the elevator with another couple in silence because I knew the second I started talking I would start crying so I waited until the car to tell him anything.  Problem is, instead of talking first, I started wailing.  David was probably thinking the worst.  I was finally able to tell him what was going on and after crying for a bit he told me that he was happy we finally found out something that could be wrong.  He told me he would have been upset if I came back with a normal result.

It took about 15 minutes but I finally calmed down and returned to a semi-rational person.  David stopped at Wendy's so I could get some comfort food for lunch and we headed back home where I then took a 2 hour nap to try to shut the world out for a little while.

I'm trying hard to be positive especially since I have to wait a week to talk to our Dr. about next steps but it's difficult.  I just need to keep reminding myself that even if I have to have surgery, that could be the step that brings us that much closer to baby.