neurotic

I've been kind of a basket case for the past week.  I had to apologize to David twice last night for random outbursts of anger.  I hate it when I can recognize that I'm in a pissy mood for no real reason other than stress (but I'm happy that at least I can admit it).  I've just been so high strung these past couple of weeks because of these infertility tests.  It's a mixture of anger, fear, sadness and crushed hope.  I honestly run the gamut of emotions every day (non-stop!) and I think it's starting to take its toll on me.

I'm trying to recognize when I get this way and stop myself because honestly, worrying and being angry is not going to help anything.  But it's difficult.  I'm trying, I really am, but it's just tough.  

I went in last week for the first testing and came away from it with some good news and some bad news.  Although, the bad news is something that my doctor has suspected all along but this last ultrasound basically confirmed it.  I have endometriosis.  I'm not losing any sleep over it though because it's not bad at all and it only seems to want to hang out with my left ovary.  The right one is completely normal.  So, we'll see.  That was the only bit of bad news from that appointment so I'm not going to let it get me down.  My egg production seemed to be good and all my blood work came back normal.  I heard the word "normal" a lot so that's good.  But we aren't out of the woods yet.  

I have my next test on Wednesday. This is the one I've been dreading.  It's all I've been thinking about for days, weeks even.  The hypochondriac in me is freaking out.  I've read all the precautions for this testing.  The best part is that you shouldn't have the test done at the facility I'm going to if you are allergic to shellfish and if you are allergic to contrast...."what if I've never had contrast before?  What if I have an allergic reaction to it, then what?"  See where I'm going?  My mind races with all the possibilities of what could go wrong during the test.  I'm a mess...haha!

Oh, and both David and I get to take antibiotics for a week starting today to prevent infection.  And that's another thing for my overactive hypochondriac mind to worry about because now I'm taking a medication that has numerous possible side effects.  Yay!

Once I get past those fears, I get to worry about the results of the xray.  This has kept me awake at night.  What if there's a blockage, what if my fallopian tubes are all sorts of screwed up, what if, what if.  

I'll just be happy Wednesday afternoon when both of those tests are behind me and I can finally calm down a little.  That's when it all really starts.  By then it should be clear if there is a problem.  And if there isn't, well we'll see what that means too.  I'm just anxious to get to the follow-up appointment where questions will finally be answered and we might even get a plan of action in place for what to do next.  

It's exciting and terrifying.  I'm just trying to find a way to embrace it all because like they say...nothing worth having comes easy.