It was hard to hit the "publish" button...

Social anxiety, by definition: Social anxiety, sometimes known as social phobia or social anxiety disorder (SAD), is a common form of anxiety disorder that causes sufferers to experience intense anxiety in some or all of the social interactions and public events of everyday life. For instance, some sufferers have difficulty attending parties or meetings, making a phone call, walking into a shop to purchase goods, or asking for help from authority figures.

There are only a handful of people that know I have this. I don't like talking about it, for obvious reasons. And I kinda feel like it's time to get it out there in the open, since right now, I am in the middle of feeling depressed, more than I've been in a while. I have extreme difficulty in social situations, even when it's with a close group of friends. I struggle to find something to say. I don't know what to do with myself. I HATE the phone, with a passion. I actually get butterflies when the phone rings. how screwed up is that? I turn into a complete idiot sometimes because I don't know what to say. So, I try to avoid the phone at all costs. This problem, years ago, caused me to lose a very close friend of mine. There are a few people in my life that I don't want to lose. I'm starting to realize that I definitely need to take steps to correct this. I may never totally get rid of it, but if I make a conscious effort of it and let people know that this is what I'm going through, then maybe I can be a little happier.

Through my entire life I've been labeled as quiet, a snob, a loner or a bitch. I hate those words. But I understand why people think them, they don't know what's really going on. If I first meet someone, I don't talk a lot and when possible social situations arise I try to think of a way out of them. I'm an expert at this now. And if only people knew how much I wanted to go. I do this on a regular basis when coworkers set up happy hours. I would love to go and hang out and get to know people. But something holds me back, what would I say? Who should I go sit with? It's a constant battle for me and I'm tired of going through it alone.

My hope is that people read this and finally understand what's going on inside my head. If I don't call you, it's not because I don't care. I don't back out of things because I don't want to hang out with you. I want to call, I want to hang out, but I can't. I have a real problem here...and it's excruciating at times. But I've gone through it mostly by myself. The only person that understands is my mother, who goes through the same things. She doesn't want me to end up like she is. She has almost no friends and it breaks my heart to see her like that. I know that I don't want to end up like that.

So, I am going to try and make a conscious effort to try and correct this. But I need support from people. I don't want to ever talk about it though, that may be something I need to work through. But the last thing I want is for people to bring it up like "see, you're doing great" at a party or something.

I just need some help...from the people that mean the most to me. Help me get through this. It really feels good to get this out there. I don't know how many people will read it, but maybe someone who means a lot to me will see that it's not that I don't want to hang out, it's just that I don't quite know how to make that first step and keep going.