too many thoughts

My mind is a jumbled mess today.  I haven't slept well over the past 2 nights and I just finished 6 weeks of active birth control pills so my sh*tty reproductive system is angy. Very angry.

Translation - don't come near me today.

I debated taking a Xanax to calm my brain down but I decided to try to fix this on my own.  I don't want those pills to become a crutch.  So, I'm doing everything I can to calm the thoughts that keep bouncing off one another in my brain that seems too small for all the activity going on inside of it today.

Moving on.

I cleaned the basement this weekend.  I came across a box from my college years that houses photos, cards and letters from friends and family.  I look through it every now and then because it's fun to reminisce.  It's a plethora of memories. It so elegantly sports a bumper sticker on the outside that says 'sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me'.  Say what?  I was a virgin all through college, nice way to mask it though, genius!

I found this picture inside.

That's me the day of my senior prom, captured during the "ok mom, that's enough pictures" portion of the day.  I only have pictures of myself and my friends from my senior prom (the ones of my date have been destroyed) but that's a whole different story for another day, errr maybe never.

Anyway, this picture floored me when I saw it again on Saturday.  Would you take a look at my waistline?! That's what your body looks like when it's constantly exercising (track and tennis) and your metabolism is on fire because you are young.  Man I miss that.  I didn't even take advantage of it, though. I wore baggy clothes all the time and felt uncomfortable in a bikini because my boobs were small.  Oh to go back in time!

I'm pretty sure I'm never going to be that thin again and I'm strangely ok with that.  That's not to say I'm not going to try and use this for motivation, though.  If I remember correctly, that dress was a size 8. I was 5'9" (still am).  So, it's not impossible to get back to that size.  Hmm.


I've been on Weight Watchers (again) for a month now.  I've lost 5.2 pounds so far.  That means I'm 24.8 pounds away from my mini goal.  I really, REALLY want to lose 30 pounds before our next IVF.  I'm determined.  Even David is saying he can tell that I'm really taking it seriously this time.  Yesterday I exercised twice. Twice! I did 20 minutes on the elliptical in the morning and after dinner I felt the need to get my body moving again so I got changed and briskly walked (even jogged for a second or two) around our neighborhood.  1.28 miles to be exact. I'm going to do everything I can to make it work this time.  It's not just for me, it's for our (hopefully) baby.