I'm having a bad day. I still haven't mustered up enough courage to call the fertility center and schedule a follow-up with my doctor. I can't bring myself to do it. I can't even pinpoint why. I guess I just never thought I'd be where I am right now. 3 IUIs and 2 IVFs with nothing to show for it except a lot of tears and a much lighter wallet. I'm just scared about what the next steps might be. And don't even get me started on the list of questions I need to ask. This cycle seems harder to move past than the previous one. The more failures that knock me down, the harder it is to get back up. I'll get there, just not today.
I stumbled upon an e-mail today. An e-mail from David with the subject line 'do you like'. You see, before we even started trying to have a baby we would bounce baby names off of each other to see what we both liked. You know, to get a jump on things because surely as soon as we started trying we would end up pregnant. Ha! The name contained in that e-mail is a girl's name and if we are ever blessed with a daughter that will be the name she is given. I love that David was the first to suggest it. What stings the most though is that the e-mail was dated nearly 4 years ago. May 21st, 2008 to be exact.
We've also had a boy's name picked out for even longer.
Every time a friend gets pregnant I get nervous that the names we've been sitting on for so long will be chosen by someone else. And that happened a little while ago. A friend's son has the name that we chose all those years ago. But it's not swaying us. If we have a boy we are still going to name him what we decided on years ago. There's plenty of room for kids with the same name in this world. It has such special meaning to us and there's no way we would change it.
I just hope we get that chance.
It's hard because IVF is the big daddy of infertility treatment. The treatments that go above and beyond basic IVF means that you have to sit down and take inventory of what it is exactly that you want/need from the process. It hits you in the gut that your body is not doing what it was designed for even with some darn spiffy science and talented doctors. The words are scary, unexplainable, donor eggs, surrogate, keep trying, and on and on. It's a whole new realm. It's normal to drag your feet when you know what you are going to hear is going to be tough. Only you know what is best for you and Dave. Follow your heart and see where it leads you. Hugging you from here my friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
DeleteI still haven't called for a follow-up. I'm a big chicken.