it will happen

One of the many, many reasons why I am upset about my infertility is that my amazing grandmother is almost 90 and I desperately want her to still be around when David and I finally have children (she is the only grandparent I have left on this earth).  It breaks my heart to think that by the time David and I have little ones, she may be gone.  All because of this stupid Endometriosis.

That fear became closer to reality this past week.  My grandmother was admitted to the hospital last week because her doctors thought she needed her gall bladder removed.  My grandmother, who is literally from the old country (Latvia to be exact), never complains about pain she is feeling.  So, she had been suffering with stomach pains for weeks without anyone knowing.  It finally hit her hard and it was obvious that she was in pain and now had a fever so off to the Dr. they went to get some tests done.

Anyway, long story short, it wasn't her gall bladder.  So, they did a biopsy and preliminary results came back as Lymphoma.  We would have to wait for days to find out what kind (did you know there are 50 kinds of Lymphoma?).  Would it be the really bad kind and we would have to start saying our goodbyes?  Or would it be the treatable kind and we could enjoy her company for a little longer?  It's been nerve wracking to say the least.

We were able to visit with her yesterday for a very brief time on our way home from a visit with David's side of the family.  My Mother, Sister, Aunt and Uncle have been with her non-stop since she's been in the hospital.  Don't get me started on the guilt I feel about that!  Anyway, it was so great to see her and she was having a really good day.  They put her on steroids in the hope that it would boost her platelet count but it also boosted her mood.  So, for about an hour we laughed and just enjoyed each other's company.  Upon leaving, she pulled me in to tell me that everything was going to be ok with David and I and when God wanted us to have babies, that's when we would.  And I shouldn't worry because it will happen.  It's the first time she has really addressed my infertility.

Holding back the tears was nearly impossible. I don't want to wait anymore.  I want to have children now.  Not just because I'm selfish and want a family but I want my grandmother to be able to enjoy her great-grandchildren.  I see how she is with my cousin's children and my heart just aches.  

So, I continue to pray that not only will my grandmother stay as healthy as she can but also that David and I are blessed soon with a little one that will be able to meet the strongest woman I have ever known.  We found out this morning that seems as though she has the treatable kind of Lymphoma so it looks like she's sticking around for a while (YAY!).  Come on baby!