bumpy ride

Blog looks a little different, right? I think I'm scrapping the weight loss theme because there's so much more to talk about on here.

I see this blog as my journal, where I can go to talk about whatever I want. It's an outlet for me. And I've been holding back. There's been this giant pink elephant that I've just been ignoring here and I think I'm finally ready to talk about it.

I'm a severely private person and talking about myself seems so out of the norm for me. Especially if it's a problem I'm going through. I don't want it to seem that I'm out for sympathy. I get that it's a ridiculous way to feel but here's where I try to change that.

David and I have been going through something that has been life changing. We've kept it quiet mostly because we just don't want the attention or the sympathy that will inevitably come rushing at us but I can't do it anymore. This blog has always been my personal journal (so much so that I took the google search off of it so people can't find the blog that way). It's where I can go to vent frustrations or to just document the happy times with photos.

This is why I took all the weight loss stuff away. I don't want it to be just about weight loss anymore. And to tell you the truth, there hasn't been any weight loss on my part in a while. I haven't been myself lately and to tell you the truth, I'm starting to forget who the real me is. I've been depressed for a while now, hence the no weight loss. In fact I've gained...it's embarassing.

Whew...this is harder than I thought it would be. This blog post is days in the making and I've re-written it about 3 times. This time around I feel like someone who's trying to read this cold, vacant speech and has just ripped it up and thrown it in the air. No speech from me. No trying to use fancy words to get my point across. I'm typing as the words form in my brain. It's the only way this will actually get out and get published.

The truth is, David and I have been trying to get pregnant for two years. Two. years. Hmm, writing that out makes it real. Two years is such a long time! We wanted to be sure that we were financially stable before bringing a little one into the world. Well, we are more than ready now. Funny how these things work out. And the one thing that keeps running though my head is a conversation we had with a family member.

She asked us years ago when we were going to have a baby. We told her that when we are ready we will. Her response was something to the effect of "I hope you don't miss your chance because you waited too long". I couldn't believe that was what she said and it took everything in me not to respond harshly.

I play that conversation in my head about once a week now. I hate that she planted that seed. Especially now that we are having problems. But I digress.

Anyway...the reason why I picked now to talk about it is a) I'm just exhausted from keeping this from people and b) we have started the process of getting some help and I'm sure I'm going to need to talk about it. Up until now we have been trying to do this on our own. We are finally admitting that we do need some help. We really want a family and we are looking to do that as quickly as possible moving forward.

I'm sure I'm going to need some shoulders to lean on through this process and that's the main reason I'm putting this out there. Plus, the extra good vibes and prayers can't hurt either.