sad

It's getting to be that time of year again.  Leaves are falling, fireplaces are burning, crazy shoppers are flooding the malls; yep...the holidays are coming.

Christmas used to be my favorite time of year.  I mean, I still love it but it's different now. Things started changing a few years ago.  I used to think it was because of all the travel David and I have to do, all the family juggling that honestly makes me feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions while simultaneously feeling the guilt of not being able to make everyone happy. But that's not it, well not entirely.  Thanksgiving and Christmas rank right behind Mother's and Father's Day as days that rip my heart out of my chest.  But Christmas is different, it's not just one day that I have to suffer through, it's pretty much the whole month. There really are no words to describe how it feels.  Like most experiences with infertility you just can't imagine what it's like unless you've been through it.

Which I really wish wasn't the case because damnit, sometimes I really need to talk to someone about these things.  I shouldn't say that. I have some amazing support around me.  Some who have been down this road, and some that haven't.  I just wish I knew someone who was in the same boat as I am.  Someone who has gone through treatments and failed, trying to figure out what to do next, anticipating that next cycle. Someone who's still in the fight.  I've tried online support but I just can't keep up with the women on these message boards. They talk all day long, by the time I go back to the board I have to scroll through 3 pages of responses, and I get left in the dust. 

Bottom line, I'm struggling.  On top of the sadness of childless holidays I get to fight Seasonal Affective Disorder. I lucked out last year and made it through winter with no problems, but this year is bad already.  My alarm went off this morning at 6:11am and I couldn't drag myself out of bed until 7:19am.  This stuff is no joke.  I went to a doctor about it a few years ago and her "assistant" laughed when I talked about it.  Shrugging it off and said "everyone get depressed in the winter".  Then my doctor proceeded to hand me a prescription for Prozac in a mg amount that was basically a placebo.  I was furious, never took a pill and have never talked to a doctor about it again. 

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked.  I'm trying to fight through all of this but it's difficult.  I cried to David a few weeks back "why does everything have to be so hard right now".  I cried through an entire 2 hour commute home last week. Things are just piling up.  I keep trying to remind myself that this too shall pass but it's been crappy for a while and I don't see an end in sight. 

My commute is killing me.  I feel like lately all I do is sleep(not very well), drive to work, work, drive home from work, sleep.  Repeat. Spending roughly 16 hours driving during the week is not a way to live.

Hmm, this post is turning into a garbled mess of random thoughts on how sucky my life is now.  I guess that's what happens when I don't post for a while.  Everything that's bottled up tries to get out at the same time.

I'm hoping that once the holidays are over and the new year is here I can start with a clean slate.  2012 will bring great things.