I hate cancer.

I spent the weekend in PA with my mom to help take care of my grandmother who is back in the hospital.  The good news is that it looks like the cancer is gone.  But it's definitely taken its toll on my grandmother.  She is very frail.  He muscles have atrophied because she has only been getting up in minimal amounts.  She has bed sores.  Bad bed sores.

I added a little bit of happy to her container of grapes.

She can't keep her sodium level up and between that and the chemo her memory is sometimes shot.  My mom and I spent the majority of Sunday morning explaining to her over and over again why we still have hair and she doesn't.  We told her she had chemo and she almost broke down and said "why don't I remember that?" It's heart wrenching.

I soaked in those smiles, even though they were few and far between.  This smile came after my mom and I gave her a full body massage, including her head.  She LOVED it.  I'm so happy that I was able to give her a little joy.

My mom is trying to convince her to go to a rehab facility next so that she can get the physical therapy she needs to get back on her feet.  My mom knows that if she comes home she probably won't be the hard ass she needs to be to get her to do all the exercises.  But for some reason, my grandmother has it in her head that rehab = nursing home.  She keeps telling us that she doesn't want to go to the place with all the old people.  No matter how much we try to convince her she will always think that we are sending her to a nursing home.  So, we just have to get her there to show her that it's not.  Then the wonderful physical therapists can deal with the stubbornness!

Hey, my mom and I had to occupy ourselves somehow while my grandmother took naps! Don't judge.

Today is a critical day.  The doctor is coming in to evaluate her to find out what the next steps are.  I really hope he suggests rehab and that insurance sees it the same way, that it's something that she NEEDS.  Apparently they don't think she's immobile enough to require physical therapy.  I hate insurance companies as well.  So, fingers crossed that the Dr. makes notes that she requires physical therapy.

It was truly heartbreaking to see my grandmother this weekend. She's not the same person anymore.  She only jokes around minimally and that is not like her at all.  She's very depressed and even though they put her on anti-depressants she still says things like "I hate myself".  She has endured a lot in these past few months so it's understandable that she is depressed and pissed and upset.  But I wish she would trust us when we say it's going to get better.  She doesn't believe us or the doctors when we say that the cancer is gone.

Anyway, I just want her to get better from here on out.  I want her to be able to walk around by herself again.  I pray all the time that she has the strength to get through this and get herself better.  She used to be the most active person.  She was always outside gardening or cleaning something, always active.  Now she says that she just doesn't want to get out of bed, she wants to be lazy.

If you are the praying type, please send her some prayers for strength.  I know she can get through this and get better.  She's had many hardships in her life and she's overcome all of them.  I KNOW she can do this, she just needs a little help this time.