(here comes a list of completely random thoughts that won't get out of my head)
- Life just seems to be moving way too fast lately. I feel like I'm playing catch up. I just need a pause button for a few days, or weeks.
- I've been prescribed muscle relaxers. (Ones that are ok to take if you are pregnant, you know just in case that miracle actually ever happens). I started getting a weird headache and it didn't go away for a week so I went to the doctor. I described the pain and the doctor asked "have you been stressed lately?" I laughed at her. Turns out it's a muscle that's out of whack. I'm holding all my stress in there. Who knew that could happen. At least it's not a tumor.
- I need to get out of this funk. I need to pick up a hobby or something because just existing to try and get pregnant is exhausting and not healthy. It may be time to start another quilt. That's an amazing distraction. And I have yet to make one for myself. Although, now that I think about it, I told myself the next quilt I would make would be for baby. Scratch that idea!
- I went to get bloodwork a few weeks ago. They used the right arm this time instead of the left that they always use. Stupid nurse pulled the needle out really fast and it hurt like hell. I ended up with a huge bruise on my arm for days and it hurt. I went again a few days ago and the best nurse ever took blood out of the same vein (apparently the vein in my left arm is on strike, it's actually not letting needles in now, too much use) and I have absolutely no bruise at all. It's amazing how different nurses can be. I feel like requesting the awesome one from here on out.
- It's amazing that I can function at work. I don't think anyone has a clue how discombobulated I am lately. I'm a pretty good actress I guess.
- I drank so much rum last night that I passed out on the couch and woke up with a hangover. Was it worth it? Hell yeah!
I know how you feel...for different reasons.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am sending you lots of love and prayers. :)
This seems so close to posts I wrote a few years ago. I had no idea just how much this process could hurt. Everything felt raw and exposed. Some moments I was happy, genuinely happy. Other times I felt as if life had just decided to knock me down and felt a bit hopeless. I've said it a ton of times that it is like being a tornado of emotions. With all that going on, it's no wonder that you are finding things tough! Be gentle with yourself. Each month is a new shot. It's beyond tough to think that this month will somehow be different than the 9,000 prior, but it's what pushes you through to the next.
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger than you think sweetie. Keep your chin up and keep fighting. Don't go radio silent. Let those nasty, frustrating, even whiny (hey, you've earned the right!) thoughts out. People may or may not understand them, but at least they won't be stuck with you anymore. Even if you never hit publish.
Hugging you from here, from somebody who has truly been there. I hate this for you. Infertility sucks.
I heard this on the way to work this morning and thought of you:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmDakhg45rk