I'm not going to say that this time. All I'm going to say is that I've gained 10 pounds since February, which basically puts my at my highest weight ever, and I hate the person I see in the mirror right now and I want to do something about it.
It's not surprising to me that I gained so much. Life has been a terrible roller coaster since February and I coped with it by eating. Eating awful things that for some reason I thought would fill the hole. A temporary fix is all it was. A little high from eating comfort food, but it never lasted long and it took seconds after eating for me to feel guilt. But I kept doing it anyway, because it was easy.
It's a terrible spiral to be in. To feel like you have no control over your life. I started to feel like 'what's the point?' and the other night I told David that I feel useless.
Damn girl, get your sh*t together.
No one is going to do this for me, I need to take control of my life back. I may not be able to control any aspect of infertility but I can control the food I eat. It's not easy, but good lord I need to make a change soon.
That time is now. I signed back up with Weight Watchers today. I had cancelled my membership earlier this year because I was concentrating more on getting pregnant. Well, that's not working so I'm putting trying to conceive on the back burner so I can take care of me for a while.
I have a personal goal that I want to reach before we start trying again. Because for as much as my RE tells me it's not my weight that's the problem, I can't help but think that some good has to come out of me losing some of this insane weight before we go for IVF #3.
And what a great week for me to start this journey again. I can barely eat anything on Thursday, the day before surgery, and Friday I can only consume liquids. 2 days that I know I can't screw up!
The reason why I picked now to take the reigns back was this episode of Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition.
David and I watched it last night and this woman, Jacqui, has inspired me in a way I haven't been before. I need to keep telling myself that I am doing this for our future child.
So that we might have a better chance of conceiving.
So that I'll have an easier time carrying a pregnancy.
So that I'll be able to take care of my child at a healthy weight.
All amazing reasons to fight back. I need to keep those posted somewhere so that when I want to get m&m's from the vending machine I stop myself. When I just want a fix of Coca-cola I stop myself. An iced mocha and a muffin for breakfast, STOP!
That picture above makes me so sad. It was taken last month. How the hell did I let myself get to this point? That person is not me. I don't know who that chubby girl is but it's not me. It's depressing as hell living in a body that you despise. But I'm done wallowing. The reason I look this way is because of ME. It's my fault and no one else's. Time to take the responsibility and finally do something about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment