3 years

David and I were unwinding from our busy day last night on the couch when out of no where a thought popped into my head and I said "Hey, it's officially 3 years now."  To which David replied "I know".  Then the tears started to form, and he reached over to console me.

I knew this was coming but for some reason it didn't become real until I said the words outloud and then I was suddenly consumed. 

We have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years.

It seems like a lifetime.  If I let my mind go and think about what's happened (or what hasn't happened) in those 3 years I become so overwhelmed and sad.  So, I'm trying not to go to the dark places.  It's difficult though because I see so many people that I love going through everything that I wish we were going through.  It's getting increasingly difficult to hear about new pregnancies or births and I now have to make sure I'm in the right emotional state to watch movies or TV shows that feature pregnancy or babies ('Up All Night' is still sitting in our DVR). I hate that.

Bottom line, I feel like I'm being left behind. I'm exhausted from 3 years of failure.  Infertility is changing me and I hate that I have felt levels of pain that I didn't know existed.  I hate that it's my 'fault'.  That I'm the reason David doesn't have a child.  He is amazing with children and when I see how kids gravitate towards him to play with him it breaks another piece of my heart.  That's the worst part of this.  I'm not even caught up in how much I want a child anymore, it's how much I want to give David a child. 

[Sigh]

This month will be tough but we'll get through it.  I'm really trying to embrace all the good that I have in my life though because it's the only way to move forward. And there is a lot of good, it's just hard to see it through the fog of the bad sometimes.  We still have options, and for that I'm grateful.